New Years Resolutions are as followed in no particular order:

1.  Blog a lil more.  It was going so well…until October when I moved companies, and work consumed my life.  Surprisingly I have gotten thousands of hits to my site even during my hiatus.  Verdict ruled: HIATUS OVER

2.  Return to my teens.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I am going to be 31 on Sunday.  I am not living vicariously through my Botox’d face.  I’m talking weight.  Got on the scale today and I am one lousy pound away.  Love my curves but love being a skinny bitch even more, so audios chips and salsa.

3.  Set a PR in the 5K.  I need to double check but I think my fastest time was roughly 20:30.  So I gotta get my butt to the track club and become the speedy mama I once was.

4.  Appreciate my Swedeheart.  You know you have an amazing man when the past few days you call him and he is constantly working on your birthday present.  I have no idea what it is, but just hearing this make me forget the wrestler elbow move he pulled with me in bed while sleeping over the weekend.  I have had a few people inform me over the past few days that I am not Kim Kardashian.  Therefore I will focus on the positive, and invest in some sleeping pills and a center divider for the bed, and love my Swede for all the amazing things he is.

5.  Just Say NO!  This is a tough one for me.  However I have a tendency to take on to much, and do things I really dislike, in an attempt to please others.  The first step is recognizing the problem.  Second step: quitting BNI.  Its a great organization, and I am a morning person, just wasn’t meant to start networking at 7:00 am.

6.  Buy a CASA.  I can’t believe it but its been three years since I short sold my first home.  Supposedly you are on probation for three years, but I am ready to shed the Orange jumpsuit and get back in the real estate game.  So as long as the Parole Officers (the banks) agree, I’m in!

7.  Fami-weeeeeee (family).  I gotta say it like that to make it sound fun.   No….not talking about starting my own.  Just building stronger and better relationships with the current candidates.

8.  Visit my bro in Colorado Springs.  I guess this goes along with the last one just more specific.  He and my sister-in-law are moving their, so gotta go see the new pad.

9.  Hawaii.  Love Hawaii and the Swede has never been….so definitely a “to do” this year.  Plus gotta see if we are compatible in traveling together.

10.  Austin.  Never been.  Supposedly its the live music capital of the country or world or something.  Enough said.

I have a few other business related ones, but won’t bore you with the TPS reports.  Just wanted to give you a heads up on where you’ll see me this year  Holla!!!

While there were several surprises and upsets on this first week, here’s the recap for the USC game….and of course this is from my point of view.  If you don’t like it, then I suggest you turn on your ESPN Zone, while my Tonka truck bulldozes my Terry Bradshaw bobble head.

USC took on the Minnesota Gophers.  I asked my facebook followers a few days ago, the top ten ways to kill a gopher; and apparently the only two players that read Bab’s Cliff Notes were Robert Woods and quarterback Matt Barkley.

A scared gopher after the 1st half

I will take a minute and commend these two.  You can’t complain much when not one but two USC records were set.  Woods caught a school record 17 passes while Barkley completed a school record 34 passes.  Bravo boys…. Now excuse me while I give a spit bath to the rest of the team along with our fearless visor wearing head coach.

Lane Kiffin: we know you’re the youngest head coach in both NFL and NCAA history, but you are not a teenager, so we really expect more than two minutes of action.  I was starting to think we were playing well, despite our failed 2 point conversions attempts on the first two scores.  However, the second half gave me awful flashbacks from last year, where we continuously fell apart in the second half.

USC didn’t score a single point in the second half….which is impressive, but did decide to get back in the game the last few minutes, and stop the Golden Gophers from taking the lead.

Next week SC takes on the Utah Utes at the Coliseum.

I know you are wondering when this turned into a science/ behavioral blog but stick with me.  While there are several external forces that can make your job suck ass, there is one way to make your job more fun, and that is with good old fashion practical jokes.  So….for those of you with no creativity or those down in the doldrums, I am offering you some things that I have done in the work place, to make it fun, and get some laughs.

Please note….althought I am a woman, some of these things take balls, and I might add a disclaimer that I really should have been fired for several of these.  Please use common sense; I really don’t want to get hate mail after you’ve been fired.

Strip Tease

I guess you could say I learned from the best.  My first job out of college I worked for a pharmaceutical company.  This was not a Phizer or an Allergan…this was a small repackaging company where you were so close with everyone that the owner could still get away with squeezing your ass.  No joke, but that’s another story. 

At this job I mainly worked with women, with the exception of a few extremely nerdy boys.  One was name Steve…or Stevie as we sometimes called him, who was a sales manager.  At one point Stevie was in need of a new administrative assistant.  There was an ad placed online, and us ladies came up with the ultimate prank.

We called up a stripper and had her come in for an “interview”.  Let’s just say little Stevie was a taken aback when the girl started unbuttoning her shirt and asked “What’s it going to take to get the job?”  We started blasting the boom box from the hallway and before you knew it, the girl was stripped down to her unmentionables and Stevie was typing up the offer letter as she wiggled on his lap. 

The basics

I understand that hiring strippers doesn’t exactly fly in most workplaces.  I also worked at Countrywide in my former life, in which you could get fired for forgetting to wear panty hose.  This is where the basics come in.  Try taping down the receiver button on the phone, so when your co-worker picks up the receiver and it continues to ring, they will freak out. 

Cutting and pasting: play with the photos in your co-workers cubicle or office.  If it is a framed picture tape devil horns on them, a snake tongue, or really hot body, and see how long it takes them to figure it out.  Don’t actually cut up pictures, but tape other images on top of glass.  It is a riot to see how long it will last.  

clipped: Make some copies of a paperclip. Then put them into the paper tray of the copier. People will go nuts trying to find the paperclip stuck in the printer.

The fake quit

OK, this one only works if you are really good at what you do, and the company would put up a fight to get you to stay.  I pulled this one on April Fool’s day this year.  I actually wrote a resignation letter and sent it to the VP and president of our company, and then didn’t answer my phone for several hours. 

Since I am in sales and do a good amount of business they were freaking.  Like I said, this one wont fly in most workplaces….so take it with a grain of salt.   

Hacking

This one takes some skills, but sometimes it is easy to get into someone’s account.  For example: my sales manager called me and actually gave me the password to his Facebook, so that I could login and change something for him.  Let’s just say he’ll never do that again.  Check out what his new profile picture was:

I am hoping that I have inspired you to have a little fun in the workplace.  Life is too short to work your life away, and if you are going to….then you might as well have fun doing it. 

The light Up Umbrella

Light Up Umbrellas....for when it's dark and wet (mind out of the gutter)

OK, call me a geek, but I like this one.  I kind of want to get an Orange Light Saber one, braid my hair into balls around my ears and go around saying “Luke, I am your Mother.”  I really like the rain, but most people do not, so at least this will provide some entertainment to the sad folks on a rainy day.  Since winter is right around the corner I may just order one today.  You can too….just Click Here to go thinkgeek.com where you can order these. 

Convertible Rain Coat

I have never worn a Yellow Slicker, and probably never will.  Yellow is just not my color, and should I ever make it to Niagara Falls some day I refuse to be one of the duck looking people in those ugly yellow rain coats you probably buy for $20, which costs 2 cents to make in China.  I’m thinking I need to set up a booth at Niagara Falls and start selling rain coats for the fashion inspired.  This one is great, it’s a purse that turns into a biker looking slicker.  It genius.  Those who know me well know I am obsessed with QVC.  Right after I am done writing this I am writing QVC to let them know about this great idea.  I haven’t seen anything this awesome since they created Heely’s and put wheels on shoes.   

My only question is: where do you put your wallet, lip plumper and feminine hygiene products?

 Cloud Umbrella

Simply don't put your head to far into cloud umbrella. Hair trapped in metal devices is not so fun. Or so my friend told me......

I know you are going to find this hard to believe, but I actually have been accused of having my head in the clouds before.  Probably one of those days I forgot to take my ADD medication, but regardless, I think having your head in the clouds can be a good thing from time to time.  If you can’t get lost in your own thoughts, and just enjoy hanging out with yourself, who will you be able to enjoy.  Even though I am not a doctor I am writing you a prescription to get your head stuck in the clouds at least once a week, and if you need a device to help you I suggest you buy this. 

 The Rain Condom

There is probably a reason god has never enabled me to get knocked up on accident, and my theory is that God is just not that mean.  Letme esplain….. I saw this picture and thought how funny it would be to have a kid, and make it wear a Condom rain jacket like this.  Plain mean?  Yes.  Downright funny?  Definitely.  I also have drawn eyebrows on my dog.  Don’t judge.  Nothing funnier than a dog with eyebrows….or a kid with a condom slicker umbrella.   

*Please note: this is not a real contraceptive device. Please consult your physician for acceptable methods of birth control

Here is how the point system is going to work:

• Female Crying: 5 points
• Male Crying: 20 Points
• Questioning if another contestant is there for the right reason: 10 points
• Saying: “I didn’t come here to make friends”: 10 points
• One on One date: 10 points
• Open mouth kissing: 5 points
• Open mouth kissing with more than one person throughout the season: 20 points
• Overnight date/ fantasy suite: 20 points
• Getting busy under sheets: 25 points
• Overnight date without hookup: -25 points
• Verbal Fighting: 5 points
• Cussing (bleeps): 5 points
• Drink in face : 5 points
• Obviously drunk: 5 points
• Winning a challenge: 15 points
• Winning show: 50 points

*Double points if any of the above happens in hot tub or helicopter.

Each participant must pick three players.  This makes it fun since it allows participants to stay in the game longer if they have a player illuminated.  So since I am sure you will be playing along at home and want the experts picks I thought I would give you the lowdown on who I picked and why.

Michelle Money

This was the crazy dominatrix girl that was on Brad’s season of the Bachelorette.  She was remembered for mysteriously having a black eye, and instilling an extreme fear in Jake.  Here’s why she is going to do well on the show:

She’s hot.  Men won’t want to vote her off simply because she’s nice eye candy.  Sure Gia is too, but she demonstrated on the last season that she is a dirty player and I hate to say it but she’s last season’s news, and been passed around by one too many bachelorette contestants. 

She’s crazy.  She’s not afraid to go to extremes such as personal injury.  If she can give herself a black eye what else is she capable of?  This bitch will stop at nothing. 

She has the sympathy vote.  When the show filmed her dad was sick with cancer.  This will win sympathy votes from both the men and the women….except maybe Jackie, which may pose a problem since this is my second pick.

Jackie Gordon

Jackie is also from Brad’s season.  She was the good girl that only had had one boyfriend.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Reason numero uno that I think she will go far.  I think she has an inner slut waiting to get out, and I also think that the other girls in the bachelor pad are not going to suspect her sluttiness. 

I picture her being one of the smarter players, that no one votes off, since they don’t suspect her being a threat.  Kind of like Tenley from last season.  Stay tuned, and you will see me rack up the points for sluttiness and winning challenges.

Graham Bunn

Graham was from DeAnna’s season.  I don’t remember much about him, beside DeAnna falling for him hard, and then getting really mad at him.  This tells me that he has that Je ne sais quoi that makes women fall for him, and then they get really pissed when they realize he isn’t all that they built him up to be in their imagination 

Perfect for Bachelor Pad.  Not to mention that he has nice abs and the ladies seem to think he’s hot.  The final thing he has going for him is that he a New Yorker.  New Yorkers know how to play hard ball, and they are survivors.  Let’s have some of that drama served on those wash board abs please. 

Feel free to play along at home and e-mail me your score!

So…..whats a girl who’s never been married and doesn’t have kids to do when everything’s popping up babies in Orange County? Well, I have a few options: a) compensate for the prego ladies, or b) relate as best as I can c) joke about it.

Compensate

Sorry ladies. You can’t drink, you’re fat, you can’t travel, for the first time in your life you’re not excited to shop, and you now have to give up many of your favorite foods. Yup….it sucks. There’s no other way to say it. Time for me to compensate. Cosmopolitans for the bar! Wait. I’m not in a bar. OK….Cosmo’s for me and my dog!

I did thousand steps, a workout in Laguna Beach yesterday. I will continue to be able to fit into my skinny jeans, and buy them in every color should I choose to do so. Worry about not being able to fit into them in a few months? Out the window!

I was so excited to see that the Groupon today was for Yama Sushi in Mission Viejo. Purchase! Gotta love some fresh salmon sushi from the restaurant that was voted #1 sushi restaurant in Orange County. Yes. It’s the little things in life, not the little things growing inside of you.

Relate

I love it when people say their dogs are their kids. I think this is quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I do not have kids, but would venture to say that dogs are probably about 5% of the work load of kids. However, right now the only thing I have to relate to my friends with is my dog. It’s really the same thing. Let me share with you a few pictures.

All babies need to be swaddled. Check out Maxine being swaddled:

My friends should really try to relate to me as well. Therefore I am buying dog teeth pacifiers for all of their babies.

I also may buy some dog piddle pads for my friends. I mean, why tie those babies down? Just put the piddle pads on the ground and my lovely friends will have less diaper changing. Problem solved. They actually may be able to learn more from my baby than I will from theirs.

Joke about It

It does look ridiculous when you go to a restaurant with three pregnant ladies. The only thing you can do is joke about it. Here are a few that I thought of off the top of my head.

Joke to the waitress: I wouldn’t come too close. It’s contagious.

When introducing them: these are my girlfriends visiting form their compound in Utah. Their husband is on his honeymoon with his newest love, wife number 4.

To men: tell them we are starting a milk tasting bar. It’s supposed to be better than wine. No really.

Start a pregnant dating website and create profiles for each of them (they are all married, but this would be funny).

That’s it. All in all, not all that bothered that I am not part of the prego pack. I read a blog post today written by Teresa Strasser titled: So, are You Having Another One? When I read the title I thought maybe it was about a girl being cut off from drinking in a bar. After I read the article I realized it was about having another baby. Surely a sign that I’m not ready……signing off. Baby-less and loving it in the OC.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/teresa-strasser/so-are-you-having-another_b_895627.html?ref=tw

But in this one, things are magically delicious.  There have been no fights and no urge to say anything bitchy that would start one.  So, being the crazy person that I am, I have decided to put our sickening bliss to the test. 

Have you ever seen The Amazing Race?  Perfectly loving couples and family couples get downright mean to each other when they can’t complete tasks as fast as the other teammate wants them to.  The show has actually been the demise of several relationships.  If you want to see something really entertaining watch this clip from a couple that went on the show that was “Newly Dating”.  It’s pretty funny.  If this kind of stuff doesn’t cause a fight nothing will.  My favorite part of the clip is the floaties the girl wears. 

Well we are not going on The Amazing Race but we are doing the San Diego Urban Dare Adventure Race.  It is kind of a mini day version of The Amazing Race.  It is a fast-paced competition that challenges two-person teams to decipher clues, navigate the city, and perform playful stunts.

I have the feeling that we are either going to be a kick ass team, or this will lead to the breakdown in our character flaws and the honeymoon will be over.  He is an analytical engineer, and a Swede.  This means, he is a numbers guy, likes to plan things out meticulously and take his time.  Me on the other hand am quick, straight and to the point, and used to going a million miles an hour.  Combined it could either be the start of the winning team for the next Amazing Race, or it could be the start of World War III, when I don’t win.  Not that I’m a sore loser or anything. 

Part of the race is that you have to take pictures at each challenge.  So…..stay tuned for my blog after the weekend with pictures J

I typically despise people that are conversation dictators.  I guess it brings me back to my ex-step mom, who not only was a conversation dictator, but a complete liar as well, which is the absolute worse combo.  It was really cool that MY step mom was Superwomen’s stunt double, and was on the Olympic Ski Team, and was a screen play writer that wrote for Seinfeld.  And then I found out they were ALL lies.  Way to crush a kid’s dreams and send them to therapy for years.  OK, so maybe I was 18, and knew they were lies all along, but it did teach me to dislike conversation dictators. 

I found out yesterday that there is only one acceptable situation for conversation dictators: when one is in the dental chair.  This is what happened to me yesterday and was actually quite funny.  I think I now know Roni the Dental hygienist better than I know any of my family members or any man I have dated.  I heard what blood pressure medication she was on, and what one she used to be on.  I heard the differences between the two and how one made her very tired.  I heard how one of her friends was on blood pressure medication and now couldn’t drink alcohol because of it. 

I heard about several of her friends.  One friend lives in Temecula and is a big animal person.  She even had to Llamas which are very loving animals according to Roni.  Unfortunately the friend had to give the Llamas away because their teeth have to be filed down regularly and this got very expensive.

I heard about how Roni was dating a guy 8 years younger (go Roni!) and heard all about the boyfriend’s mother who may be moving here from Jersey.  I also know what size bra Roni wears, how many speeding tickets she has and her real hair color. 

I was feeling pretty good about my new best friend when I found out that one of my girlfriends who went to the dentist on the same day had a massage chair.  What the hell?!?!  I have blabber mouth Roni and she gets massages with Happy Endings?  OK, so maybe she didn’t get a happy ending, but she did get a massage and I am feeling gypped!

So for those of you who have plenty of friends and are not interested in learning interesting facts about Llamas, I decided to look up a dentist in Orange County that has spa-like services.  I found Dr. Haeri in Mission Viejo, has Massage Chairs, and you get to chose from a list of movies on Netflix.  Are you kidding me?  Roni: I hate to tell you this, but I may be trading you in.

“What is a Poke?”  He asked. 

Me:” Its something that is really annoying.  It is basically a person that wants attention and is saying: ‘Look at me.’”

Him: “What does two pokes mean.”

Me: “It means they want to screw you.”

He didn’t believe me.  Sooooo……I decided to do a little research.  I went to my own wall and looked at all of my pokes.  Sure enough: 27 pokes; all from men.  And then, being the Regis Philbin lover that I am, I decided to “Poll the Audience.”  Here was the response:

OK, OK.  So no one came right out and said that a double poke means they want to sleep with you but I am standing by my theory.  My friend tried to rub it in my face that I was wrong about this since no one posted my theory as the meaning.  ‘The truth is that you can’t handle the truth,’ well on Facebook anyways.  99.9% of people on Facebook are censored.  Even myself, who people think has no FB censor actually refrains from putting things I would say in real life.  I explained this to him and told him I was standing by my theory.  It is correct, but no one was brave enough to come out and say it.

Well, I hate to say I told you so, but this morning I came to find out that my theory just might be dead on.  Apparently the ‘double poke girl’ called him and the conversation was leaning in the ‘I want to sleep with you direction.’  Yup.  I gotta start charging for this.  I’ll be the very first therapist for facebook.  We can regurgitate posts and I will tell you what they really mean.  So, take a step into my office, lie on my couch, and I’ll do my very best not to poke you ;D

Get truckers to honk

I know you all miss the days when you would put your arm up in an L shape and motion it up and down to get truckers to honk their fabulous deep horns.  I actually have to resist the urge to do this as an adult, but I think during Carmageddon all rules go out the window and it is perfectly acceptable to do this at the age of 30.  Or any age really.

Make Obscene Signs

Subject A is a real life picture of a sign, and while this is a little absurd during any normal situation I think it is 100% Warranted during Carmageddon.  If you are driving with other people I suggest you make a game out of it.  See who can get the most active participants.  If you are by yourself maybe take a poll on Facebook and ask people to guess how many participants you can get. 

Work It

Are you self employed?  Start handing your business card out to nearby cars.  Offer your services.  Be productive.  If you are unemployed I really don’t know what you are doing driving around with gas prices the way they are, but you might as well make the best of it.  Print your resume and start handing it to nearby cars.  Hate your job?  Do the same. 

Chinese Fire Drill

Yes, another one you have been dying to do for ages.  Don’t lie.  So what are the rules again?  Ah…yes: basically you just get out of the car and run laps around it.  I have yet to actually see a Chinese person do this.  If you are Chinese I highly recommend you do not participate; simply focus on driving. 

Get Gangsta

While I am offending people, let’s just roll with it.  This one is also very entertaining.  Lean your seat way back, put one hand up on your steering wheel without actually gripping it, and bump a little rap.  Will Smith and Fresh Prince do not qualify for the gangsta impaired.  While this is funny I would highly suggest you don’t get to into it and start flashing gang signs at real looking gang members.  I want you to pass time, not get shot. 

Get Busy

Since I am very cautious about the advice I give I wanted to see what kind of penalty you can incur for giving sexual favors while driving.  I guess I have lived a sheltered life, because I didn’t know there was a term for this.  But there is.  Road Head.  Fines for road head range from as little as a regular traffic ticket or as much as six months in jail and a fine of $2000.  I will not be responsible for anyone going to jail, so am not necessarily endorsing this one, but taking the same route a parent of a horny teenager takes.  If you are going to do it, do it safely.   Please avoid the temptation to do the close-the-eyes-and-roll-your-head-back thing. 

Happy driving friends!  Hope these suggestions help your ride go by quicker!